what a life

What am i thinking? I take a look at where i am at and all i can think of is where i can't to be, it seems i can't just see where i am and be glad i am here. I could be some one else in some other place in a shittier situation, but i am not. I listen to my sister and here life and though i love her i would never want to be her or deal with her life problems, i am just not cut out for that. I am cut out for giving a generic compassion between the hours of 10p and 6a.
I pass off my rude behavior as me just being a bitch or what ever synonym you may choose to call it. Over all I think it is because i just don't want to deal with the dram of humanity, not saying i don't have any humanity it is just hard for me to stomach another person no standing up for themselves. That is it, i dislike people making excuses for others poor behavior to them of all people. If some one treats you so poorly that you they literally affect your emotions on a regular basis, sorry hun something needs to and should change.

to the people on my mind when I wrote this... I love you, truly love you and I hope the best comes from your situation.

New November

November is the start of a new year for me, not January 1st but November is my official new year. So seeing as how I am entering my new year that would call for me having and new years resolution of so sort. I guess it is going to be
"Finish what I start"
With all my resolutions I create "rules" for them. The rules for this one will be, if I say I AM going to do it, I WILL do it. That goes for anything as simple as meeting some one for coffee to paying a bill.
So what are the things I am going to do this year? I guess I will have to get back to you on that one.

Past Resolutions
2008: Live with no regrets
That is the first real resolution I ever made in my life that I stuck to. Living with no regrets allowed me to go into each day with out feeling bad about the previous day. I say now, "if it doesn't kill me, at least it will give me a story" and in the past three years I have had the privilege of adding some amazing stories to the book of my life.

2009: Live for me
If you don't know me I spend (more then than now) a lot of time doing things for other people, from helping people run errands to just baby sitting. I was becoming burnt out because I wasn't giving me enough time.

2010: LIVE/Travel/and no matter how sappy it sounds Love <3
This 2010 I have been able to live. I have been to 10 different places in the past 12 months even if it was for a few hours in and airport, I was still there. From the air some places look amazing, others look scary and depending on the time of day bright/dark.

Places i have been from November 2009 to October 2010
November 4th-9th 2009 I left Billings Montana and flew to Denver Co. Left Denver and Flew to Sacramento Cal. My friend picked me up and I spent the week in Yuba City Cal. While I was there I met few people but I was able to get to know my friend Kristina "X" a little more and meet some people who are in her life
January 21st 2010: I spent that day cleaning my rented room, and doing some last minuet packing. All my life into three suitcases and a back pack. Majority of the things I did pack I either left or gave away. Its surprising how much the things in our life really mean nothing when you look back at them. Yet again I left Billings Montana but this time with the hope to never return (that didn't work out) I landed in Seattle WA, hung out in the airport for about three hours then I took a puddle jumper flight to Vancouver BC Canada. There I called the hotel I was to stay at to find out where I was to meet the shuttle bus. Now this hotel I selected for two reasons 1. it had a shuttle bus 2. it has wireless net. The call with the night clerk was anything but helpful. I was informed that I was to get a cab and the hotel would reimburse me for the fare {as a side note I was only spending the night in Canada I had to catch a flight in the morning my goal was to not spend any money, let alone have foreign currency when I left}
January 22nd 2010: I left Vancouver Canada and flew 13 hours to Hong Kong. After going through customs and retrieving my luggage I was greeted by my sister, brother in-law and 2yr old nephew.
April 2010: I took a ferry to Macao (a horrid place)
June 22nd 2010: I yet again pack up my belongings and bored another flight. I flew from Hong Kong to Japan then from Japan to Seattle, Seattle to Denver (with a bonus 1 hour lay over turning into 5) then the last leg of the Journey from Denver to Billings.
September 8th 2010: I escape Montana for a brief time stopping off in Salt Lake City Utah to Philadelphia, then a quick ride to New Jersey

So here I am at the end of one year and the being of another. Morn the past but prepare for the future. Hope to see you there *cheers*

Cleaning my peverbial house

The past week I have spent my time online cleaning. Cleaning people out, out of my internet social sphere. I see people who are not my close friends as distractions, an opening for me to be nosy when I should be doing other things. So instead of me being distracted by XXXX XXXXX's 123 new photo posts for 20 min. I don't see them at all seeing as how i don't even talk to them online or in reality. I am preparing myself to put my nose to the grind stone. So deep breath and we will see how this goes

Back to this world

I came back to Montana on the 21st of June. Three days in I wanted to leave again. At that time I came to the conclusion that I am to be an nomad, It is hard for me to settle down.
On the 25th of August I moved into my own apartment that is different for me. I don't particularly like it as a home, as a place for me to sleep it works but not as a home. It did fit into my "goal" list i was back 3 months and I was able to move out of my mothers home given I moved back knowing that i didn't want it to be a permanent situation. Moving into my own place crossed off the third idea/goal that I had been talking about that I actually did this year currently there have been more goals/plans achieved/fallowed through with.

I have set a large goal for April 2011. I plan on leaving, not just leaving but not looking back. I plan to leave Montana never to live here again. I hope that my brain storming will produce something that will allow me to do that. I am going to call the local clinic and see if they have a position for a intro level in Phlebotomy, I am certified i just need to get licensed now, that will aid me in my aspirations to leave.

Bubbles= My thoughts and ideas they float but usually pop.

The past 20 days or so have been quite uneventful. I worked the first full week of the month to finish off my Phonics class and last Saturday I finished off my play group. I am now living in Hong Kong, unemployed and drowning. I feel that I have all these ideas but no where to take them.

I was making plans to move back to the US. Just throw in the Asia towel. In order for me to I need to come up with or borrow money from some on to purchase the ticket. I had talked to my mum about it but she doesn't have the money to loan me but she had a friend who seemed willing to loan me the money. In the end the ticket price was raised about $300 and the friends was looking for something for her to "hold" until I could pay her back. I am 21 I dropped my entire life and moved over here all I have to my name is 3 suite cases of clothes and art supplies and a car that I still owe the bank on. I am glad (for now) that I am not going "Home".

I sat today at a coffee shop for about 2 hours just listening to music and drawing. I have come to the conclusion that "I am not normal, I do not want to have a normal life" moving back home would ruin that goal. I want to live every where, see and experience every thing. I want to live in another country with out my family I want to find some one I can love and who loves me who is willing to be patient with me and give me the grace me and my crazy ideas need.

The past three weeks out side of Friday nights I have not been able to sleep. I started the nasty habit of staying up till early morning around 7a or 8a. It is alright except I feel even more useless that usual. I feel so alone here, I can't really talk to any one. My mum has her life at home and doesn't/can't sit down and listen to me. Then again I can hardly form a sentence to begin to explain my thought process. I am afraid that I am just going to become a bum, a mooch here.

I lay awake in bed at night wondering where I changes. Tonight I was thinking back to when I was a little girl laying in my bubble gum pink room, staring up at my nick magazine stickers on my ceiling with my cat sleeping at my feet. I was happy then, content. I could sit and play with toys and it didn't matter. Now I am just cold and well unhappy.

I need to come to grips with where ever I go there I am. I can't run from myself my whole life, I am the one who causes my own problems time to start making it easier for myself.

Life in Hong Kong at 4 months

I have been in Hong Kong now for four months and I am trying to get out. I don't have the credentials to get a work visa in HONG KONG. I am planning on this month purchasing a visa into China and next month once I get paid i will leave to China in search of a job. From what I understand the pay is less in China but the availability of work is greater.

Three weeks ago I started dating. Online dating, that plan was not thought through at all. I love him but I don't love the dependency of machines to maintain a relationship. I see it that because we can't be in person right now we both have to work twice as hard to make the other feel wanted/needed/loved. I know I am making an attempt at it. However he has had long frustrating hours at work and when he is finally able to even talk to me it sucks. He is at his lowest. Every day it is just hard for me.

Moving on after this break up

Hello,

So in the past few weeks My Mom has decided to get married, not just married but married to a man she has only know for over two months, Married in 52 days from NOW.

So I am breaking up with her. Not over her getting married I am breaking up with her over her pure lack of consideration and the attitude of "I am going to do what I Damn well please and if you don't like it, well you can shove it up your a**".


I had to be around for my moms "break up" with my father. Not just around but I sat in my pretend "happy" little world and watched it shatter into thousands of pieces. During that time it was hard for me. I was going into my teen years, my siblings were leaving as fast as they could. I didn't know who I was or where I belonged, or even who's side to be on, if any. My once familiar and cozy world was unrecognizable, and cold.

When I was a child my mom and I were not close. Looking back on it now I can say that I felt that to my mom I was a burden. She didn't spend time with me so I was with out a doubt a daddies girl. I did almost everything with my dad. We hunted, fished, he let me drive (starting at 11). We would go ice skating or canoeing down the river.

When my Mom kicked my dad out of the house when I was 12 that began to change. We lived in separate houses. Soon he lived at home and I was not allowed to. {Random thought: The day we moved out of "our" house when I was 13ish I didn't realize that, that was going to be the last time I would live there. The last Christmas or birthday. In a way the last time my feet/mind would have a solid concept of "home"}. So we (mom and I) spent the next 5-6 years jumping around a new house almost every year. And Me at 12 had to grow up, the familiar family things that my siblings grew up with I didn't have the privilege of.

I took my new role (no training offered) with out help. I know people would see how my mom and I interacted and I was labeled "rude" but in all honesty we were not "MOTHER/DAUGHTER" we were house partners. She didn't want to be around me, and I didn't want to be around her. Given we did at times enjoy each other. Over the 9 years we were placed with each other we did get close.

So with all that said. I am doing what I feel is emotionally healthiest for me. I feel let down and shut out. I spent 21 years 9 close years with her and she has basically given me no time to be a part of her "new" life. I guess I thought I was a big part of her life but apparently either I wasn't or I just wasn't a big enough part.