Bubbles= My thoughts and ideas they float but usually pop.

The past 20 days or so have been quite uneventful. I worked the first full week of the month to finish off my Phonics class and last Saturday I finished off my play group. I am now living in Hong Kong, unemployed and drowning. I feel that I have all these ideas but no where to take them.

I was making plans to move back to the US. Just throw in the Asia towel. In order for me to I need to come up with or borrow money from some on to purchase the ticket. I had talked to my mum about it but she doesn't have the money to loan me but she had a friend who seemed willing to loan me the money. In the end the ticket price was raised about $300 and the friends was looking for something for her to "hold" until I could pay her back. I am 21 I dropped my entire life and moved over here all I have to my name is 3 suite cases of clothes and art supplies and a car that I still owe the bank on. I am glad (for now) that I am not going "Home".

I sat today at a coffee shop for about 2 hours just listening to music and drawing. I have come to the conclusion that "I am not normal, I do not want to have a normal life" moving back home would ruin that goal. I want to live every where, see and experience every thing. I want to live in another country with out my family I want to find some one I can love and who loves me who is willing to be patient with me and give me the grace me and my crazy ideas need.

The past three weeks out side of Friday nights I have not been able to sleep. I started the nasty habit of staying up till early morning around 7a or 8a. It is alright except I feel even more useless that usual. I feel so alone here, I can't really talk to any one. My mum has her life at home and doesn't/can't sit down and listen to me. Then again I can hardly form a sentence to begin to explain my thought process. I am afraid that I am just going to become a bum, a mooch here.

I lay awake in bed at night wondering where I changes. Tonight I was thinking back to when I was a little girl laying in my bubble gum pink room, staring up at my nick magazine stickers on my ceiling with my cat sleeping at my feet. I was happy then, content. I could sit and play with toys and it didn't matter. Now I am just cold and well unhappy.

I need to come to grips with where ever I go there I am. I can't run from myself my whole life, I am the one who causes my own problems time to start making it easier for myself.